the reason I am insane

Sometimes my kids amaze me. Truely amaze me. Other times they scare me.
Today we were sitting here with the TV muted and a commercial came on. Brett looks over and says "turn it up, thats the pipps!"

How many 9 year olds do you know that could identify the freakin pipps?? heck, unless they are singing I cant usually identify them.

Anyway, we had ball practice today. It wasnt till 7 so we just sat around all day and waited.

Yesterday I got Bretts schedule and wrote it on the calender along with Matts. Brett has 14 games, Matt has 18
3 of them are at the same time.
4 are within 30 minutes of each other
18 are nights when only one plays
2 are what I concider 'perfect nights' (where Matt plays with an hour time limit and Brett starts 30 minutes later)
2 weeks I go in to town 4 days a week
4 weeks I go in 3 days a week

This doesnt include practices.

I found out tonight that after fixing up my calender and getting a semihandle on the game situation that Bretts schedule will be changing.
And Matts will be too.

I kept the kids home from school today. Not really on purpose. I was up till after 4:30 this morning. The kids had kept me up coughing and sneezing all night. I was just about to go to sleep and Rayley woke up. I had to change her sheets. I got her back in bed and she wanted 'timebed stories' I sat down beside her bed and started telling her a few. I thought that this would be a good time to maybe give her a few lessons.
Once upon a time there was a pretty little girl, she had all these.........

"what was her name?"

Lorena (rayleys middle name), she had all these wonderful toys. Then she came home one day and her dolls heads were broken off, her mp3 player wouldnt play....

"what was her moms name?"

Gloria, her stuffed animals were all pulled apart and broken. Her dishes and pot and pans were broken and didnt have handles..

"whats her dads name?"

Steven, She came into her beautiful room and didnt have anything to play with....
"does she have a friend?"
No, and in a minute you will find out why. She came home one day and couldnt find a single toy to play with, everything was broken. She started crying and her mom came in to ask her what was wrong.....
"Is she tall or short?"
She's 4, so I am bettin she is short, her mom asked her what was wrong and she said her toys were all broken. Well, her mom had told her time and again that she should clean her room and she.......

"did she have barbies?"

yes, she had lots of toys, but now none of them work. her mom had told her time and time again to pick them up and stop walking on them

"what color is her carpet?

Noone knows--- she wont keep her room clean, her mom had told her time and time again to pick up her room but she never would, so her mom told her that they needed to throw away all the broken toys. They started and they picked up EVERY little toy, all the peices of toys and all the stuff that she had broken. They threw it all away....

"was the trash bag white or black?"

it was yellow. Once they were done picking up all the broken toys little Lorena had NOTHING left. All her toys were gone. She sat and cried and cried.

"what a tittie baby"

She cried for days and days, and her mom asked why she was crying, she said she wanted to play with her toys. her mom told her that she hadnt ever taken care of them when she had them and so they had gotten broken.....

"did she have brothers?"

I dont KNOW, why?

"cause thats who broke all the toys."

ANYWAY, the little girl cried cause she didnt have any more dolls to love, they had all been broken, No more barbies to dress, they were all broken. No more.....

"okay, I get it, does prince charming come and get her?"

Nope, she lives all her life in her room with no pretty dresses and no toys. all cause she wouldnt clean up her room. The end

"tell me another one"


I told her one about a prince coming to get a princess but he couldnt get to her because her clothes are all over the floor adn he knows that you are not supposed to walk on clothes. He had to leave her there, in her dugeon, all alone and with out ever lasting love.
She interupted every other sentence with some inane question.

I came in here and fell asleep about 20 minutes later. I dont know why I did it, I had to get up at 5:30 sheer exhaustion I reckon. But I never heard anything else till my mother n law opened the front door at 6 am. She said lets get them dressed and I will take them, we can do it in 6 minutes right?

I told her to just forget about the boys. they needed their sleep anyway. ANd last night both were really cranky and I had dosed them good with benadryl and they still coughed half the night. I knew with them getting to bed after 10, and having to get up at 5:30 was bad enough, but doing it on a restless nights sleep would be detrimental to their school careers.

The pollen here is awful. noone is driving a white vehicle. they are bright yellow. the pine tree's are literly raining pollen. I just decided it wasnt worth it for them to get in trouble. I went back to sleep and was woken up by Matt sneezing, this time beside me on the couch. He was awake and wanted to know what was for breakfast. I told him anything he could catch, kill and cook. And I closed my eyes again-- 3 hours of sleep is not much and I wanted 5 more minutes.

Next thing I know he is dressed in overalls and a hoodie headed outside with a bow and arrow. I asked him what the hell he thought he was doing.
"seeing if you were serious"
"There is no tip on that arrow, its not hunting season and just in case you DID get lucky and scared something to death I aint cleanin it. Go get some oatmeal."
"awwww mom. "


Bretts practice was awful, he is not real bad in the field. And backs up the bases pretty well. He looks like he knows what he is doing. But his batting is awful. He didnt hit a fair ball all night and his fouls were few and far between. I cant explain it. I know he hit the ball with BR on saturday very well. And BR doesnt baby them when he is pitching.

Right now he is more of a liability to the team than an asset. I hate that for him. I really had hoped that he would do well enough to enjoy it. Maybe he will get better, or maybe there is some lefties that we will be playing. I dont know but either way it looks like I would be better off giving my gas money to a charity.

Rayley and Matt had a great time. There is a kid on Bretts team with a little brother her age and they played the whole time. Matt is really good with little kids and he played with them. They spent the evening catching mole moths or mole crickets, or something. I really dont know what they were doing.

on the way home it was constant chatter.
"I'm thirsty"
"I'm Hungry"
"mom, something is biting me!"
"mom, Bow is snoring"
"did you see me catch that ball?"
"can I keep this cricket in a jar?"
"Mom, Matt said the S word"
to which BR started naming off S words, star, silk, storm.
"why is the tree's green"
"have you seen that part of Monsters Inc where Boo says something and Kitty laughs?"
"Do I get to play in the morning?"
"Can I wear a princess dress tommorow?"
"why does Brett get to take pictures tommorow and I dont?"
"is that ZZ top playing?"
"why are they advertising markers?"
"when will I get to grow a beard?"
"is the moon gona come out tonight?
"didyou know that dogs can smell better than humans?"
"something is biting me again"
"matt wont give me Bows toy"
"Moooom, matt said the A word"
Ape?, astronaught, apple?
"applebees"
"Get it together baby" ( which when delivered by matt sounds JUST like Wanda Sykes)
"can apples really talk?"
"Can dogs smell at night?"
"my barbies need shoes"
"Did I do good at practice tonight?"
"why is that car broke down?"
"aint got no gas in it" (said just like Carl on slingblade)
"look Matt there's your bus"
"I wana ride a bus"
"no you dont!"
"when do I get to go to school?"
"when do I get out of shcool?"
"can I get a job?"
"where is timbuctoo?"
"skeeters suck blood"
"who is the best at baseball, me or Brett?"
"I am"
"no I am"
"I have a purple bat"
"SO"
"SO"
"well I do, and its pretty."
"who cares?"
"purple is for girls"
"I am a girl!"
"a STUPID girl"
"mom am I stupid?"
"tell her the truth mom, save us the heartache"
"who's driving that car?"
"what kind of car was it?"
"can we get a dog?"
"I gotta pee"
"me too"
"yea, me too!"
"how far is the house?"
"can we go to Me-me's?"
"somethings biting me"
"oh crap!!"
"MOM! a cricket just jumped on me!"
"I didnt bring a cricket"
"yes you did!"
"what does a cricket do?"
"play the fiddle."
"can you teach them to sing?"


This went on and on and on. they talk over each other, under each other, and at each other.

Its like being locked in a stateroom on a sinking ship with Cristopher Walkin on crack.

They cant carry on an inteligent converstation, they cant even keep up with the conversations they are having in their own heads. and there's lots of room in there.

Once we got home (THANk GOD!) we unloaded, wait, I unloaded, emptied the cooler, got the trash out of the truck, hollered at Brett to start his bath, got a few things organized and then got Bow (who had slept the whole time. ) and came inside.
BR was getting ready to go to work, Brett was playing with Bows vibrating teether, Matt was attempting to pull off a baseball sock from the toe and had it stretched out 3 feet long, Rayley was putting on a sequined dress and high heeled sandles, and both dogs were sitting beside the feed bowl.

I gathered up all the uniforms, asked Matt why he was wearing baseball socks with blue jeans ( cause he decided to wear his cleats to catch foul balls in), made someone feed the dogs and got their supper ready. I also sent Brett to take that bath and told matt to get ready to take his.

I got them all in bed and have washed and dried their uniforms, BR a shirt and jeans, and am on my 2nd load of jeans and I am going to take some tylonol and go to bed. My shoulder is still hurting so bad I cant pick up Bow with out pain, had to do everything left handed today and have to prop it up on a pillow to type.

The worst part is, soreness never really sets in till the second day.
We have to be at the park tomorrow at 9:45. Both boys have 'opening ceremonies' at 10. Come to find out, its not the whole little league doing one balloon release its each league doing their own. on their own feilds..

This presents a cunundrum for me. Do I watch BRett release his? Matt relaease his? Throw both boys out at their fields and just sit in the truck, turn on some Jimmy Buffet and pretend I am having a margaritta or Throw them out at the fields, haul butt to a resturant and relax till I know the day is over?

I have a feeling that I will need to get BR to go to one, me to the other. If we dont, our kids will take the helium balloons, untie them, and help themselves to some 'squeeking air'.